Well I don't feel like typing much right now but I don't feel like doing much right now and it will probably be good to get some stuff outta my head.
So I was gonna go see Up today with my sis and Mouse but well as always things just don't work out and so now we aren't going. Confusion with the youth license restrictions in NH, it's one passenger max that is not part of the family but Mouse's mom thought otherwise, and my sis has HW to do I guess. So it looks like I'm not going. I will probably have to wait for another DVD release of another Pixar movie that looks great. I would by myself but well I can't. Haven't rly done before + I wanna have a friend or my sis come iwth ma when I go but not rly any of my friends that I can contact atm are interested in Pixar movies. It seems like whenever I try to get things like this to work they just don't so i get bummed out. I will see Up at some point but it may not be for awhile.
So in other news I have now finally caught up with Order of the Stick. I have also been playing DKC all morning while waiting. For a bit both me and my bro were playing but he had to go take shower and also i think he was sorta bored of dying in it cause the levels were getting harder. He finished building his titanic model though. As of this moment I'm almost finshed with Chimp Caves, I think I'm either the last or secodn to last lvl before boss of this area. I will finally beat this game at some point.
*sigh*
I guess I should probably do the rest of my Java assignments but I just dont feel like it right now. I probably shoulda worked on them earlier today, but didn't really expect anything much today.
I sorta want sleep now but I know if I fall asleep now it'll screw me over quite a bt later. My body cycles are already screwed up enough as they are, with not sleeping any 'cept for an hour on thursday cause i forgot to take my ADHD meds in the morn so i took when I got so I oculd actually get something accomplished and with forgetting them on friday as well and falling asleep for 4 or 5 hrs or something like that when i got home and than sleeping more than normal when i got home from picking up sis, and with not getting much sleep last night, I think my body cycle is pretty much SCREWED up as it and it will take time again to fix itself. Screwing it up like I have the past few days will have a very annoying effect in the near future, as in possibly depression again cause random things. It's just one more factor that comes into play with my mind, which I'm not altogether sure if it is stable or not. All I can really do is continue to live with it cause I will not die if I have anything to say bout it.
*sigh* School is almost over, I don't really want it to end. When it ends it means I won't see lke any of my friends for 3 months. I mean I'll see the very few that live in my neighboorhood some but probably not vry much since I'll be working more. I may see some at the DnD campaign that Mouse shall be doing during the summer, but iono i have to work exactly so theres a problem with that. I am also gone for 14 days for Philmont, I get along ok with most of the crew and i ahve one good friend in it as well but after a couple of days on the trail people will probably get irritated easier. Also another thing with school ending is the fact that its the end of Junior year, and well i don't really want HS to end. It has been fun, I've met/gotten to know better a bunch of great friends and overall it hasn't been to bad of an experience. I'm also sorta afraid of what happens next afterwards. I gotta go to college and leave just bout everything that I've come to know behind most likely. This may sound bad what will probably hapen with many of my friends is I'll lose contact with em and we just drift away. I don't want to ose my friends, sure I may make new ones but it just won't be the same + I'm not rly ggreat at socializing and it is hard to find friends like I have now I'm pretty sure. I'm not really sure what I'm heading towards with all this. Well I had more to say but it sorta dissolved. So yah guess I'm done for now.
May edit/repost later.
Now off to toadstool book shop.
"Smell ya later" - Gary
Moog Maruader of the first number is off
Moogify
*poof*
PS Feeling better now
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Undercorked
Name chosen. Thx Mouse.
Not to much to say today.
Finished lawn.
In much better mood now.
Have work tomorrow, 1-9 and on sunday 3-8.
No school Monday.
Moog
Not to much to say today.
Finished lawn.
In much better mood now.
Have work tomorrow, 1-9 and on sunday 3-8.
No school Monday.
Moog
Thursday, May 21, 2009
RARRRRGGG
I HATE HOT WEATHER. I t screws with my head so much. Makes me get frustrated with so much, destroys my concentration, quicker to anger and I get yelled at more because of getting annoyed faster cause it is harder to control myself when I'm annoyed.
I'm frustrated about everything right now. This heat, my inaility to do work right now, dad yelling at me for having work clothes out + my sweatpants i wear at night, having to mow lawn, having so much stuff to catch up with in school but can't seem to do @ home or inclass, nervousness about things like going into a bank to ask questions, college and what I'm going to do about it and after it, the fact that I can't write a damn 250 word essay about something for a college app, the fact that summer vaca is rapidly aproaching and that means very little seeing of friends, and so many othe things some that I can't tell anyone and other stuff to.
The only thing I like about summer vacation is the fact theres no school to worry about for 3 months but this summer I'm gonna be working for most of the summer so ya. I like school, I don't like the homework or Latin, most of the rest is fine although i would like t obe able to concentrate in Java though. *sigh* I love having a class with a lot of my friends in it but it doesn't make the environment for working much better, in fact it may make it more distracting. No offense to any of you who are reading this, but it makes sense. It's not the main thing though, I think its just A-lock + a few other things.
Well my headaches gone and frustration is down a bunch. Basement is nice and cool, one of the reasons y I spend much time down here in hotter months. Momo y do you insist on sitting on my mouse? Ug I'm probably gonna end up sleepwalking tonight, happens most often when I get frustrated. Just something from experience in the past.
Speaking of the past, I sorta wish I could be a kid again. No worries, no screwed up hormones, no job, no worries about the future, just living and playing. I can't control time as of yet so it's not gonna happen unless i all of a sudden become omnipotent. That would not be good if that happened, I know the power hungry psyco part of my mind would come and take over. The world be a blazing heap on flames and ashes within a few seconds, I don't even know if I would be able to catch myself before a roast everything including friends that I would take with me if I could at least have a little control. But I probably wouldn't. Meh this is just me beign pesismistic again. I don't truely know what would happen but human nature leads me to believe of the abuse of the power even if it's myself that had it. I don't rly want to think of myself as doing anything like but even if i didn't abuse it for awhile eventualy it would just consume my thoughts and actions and bad stuffs.
Ug one of the DD's on DA is pervish. Humans are so selfish.Sex, masturbation, antyhing of that sorts just cause it's easy "Happyness" and shows "Love". This is sorta going a little off of what Mouse said in her most recent entry. Sry if it seems like I'm always cpoying you with stuff but well when I read thigns it starts gears cranking alot, 'specially with many of my friends. I think I'm done with this topic for now though till the full part of it resurfaces from the maelstrom of my thoughts, memories and emotions.
I hate how I can't rly express my thoughts and emotions properly enough. I can't express them to the depths of what they are. This probably doesn't make much sense but well none of it rly makes much sense to me either.
Finally the water heater shut off, much less noise besides my music playing now. I have my entire library on shuffle right now and am listening to just anything that comes up. If I'm not mistaken one of the battle themes from Metroid Prime 2 is playing atm.
At some point I may actually try to write my college essay up here cause well I just can't do it in a formal way and so if I use the question as the basis for a blog post I may be able to use that as a guide for the essay itself or use the post with minor edits. Any help from you invisible non-commenting readers would be very much appreciated even if it doesn't help me directly.
Oh I may have a possible name for this blog but I'm gonna dwell on it more. The one I may be favoring more is the one Mouse suggested, but I think I may tweak it a little but iono depends on what my brain decides.
Damn hormones making me want to hit something or watever it is thats making me want to hit something.
Well tis almost 9:30, work accomplished @ home today = null for schoolwork, frustration levels for today = +a lot, depression/stress levels could be increasing to a critical point at a point in the near future.
Good night and sleep well to all of those that shall be sleeping and goo wakings to those who aren't.
Thx for reading you people who aren't there.
And pls comment, I'm not sure y I'm saying this but well ya.
Go forth and Moogify.
Moog Master Numbah one is off
*poof*
I'm frustrated about everything right now. This heat, my inaility to do work right now, dad yelling at me for having work clothes out + my sweatpants i wear at night, having to mow lawn, having so much stuff to catch up with in school but can't seem to do @ home or inclass, nervousness about things like going into a bank to ask questions, college and what I'm going to do about it and after it, the fact that I can't write a damn 250 word essay about something for a college app, the fact that summer vaca is rapidly aproaching and that means very little seeing of friends, and so many othe things some that I can't tell anyone and other stuff to.
The only thing I like about summer vacation is the fact theres no school to worry about for 3 months but this summer I'm gonna be working for most of the summer so ya. I like school, I don't like the homework or Latin, most of the rest is fine although i would like t obe able to concentrate in Java though. *sigh* I love having a class with a lot of my friends in it but it doesn't make the environment for working much better, in fact it may make it more distracting. No offense to any of you who are reading this, but it makes sense. It's not the main thing though, I think its just A-lock + a few other things.
Well my headaches gone and frustration is down a bunch. Basement is nice and cool, one of the reasons y I spend much time down here in hotter months. Momo y do you insist on sitting on my mouse? Ug I'm probably gonna end up sleepwalking tonight, happens most often when I get frustrated. Just something from experience in the past.
Speaking of the past, I sorta wish I could be a kid again. No worries, no screwed up hormones, no job, no worries about the future, just living and playing. I can't control time as of yet so it's not gonna happen unless i all of a sudden become omnipotent. That would not be good if that happened, I know the power hungry psyco part of my mind would come and take over. The world be a blazing heap on flames and ashes within a few seconds, I don't even know if I would be able to catch myself before a roast everything including friends that I would take with me if I could at least have a little control. But I probably wouldn't. Meh this is just me beign pesismistic again. I don't truely know what would happen but human nature leads me to believe of the abuse of the power even if it's myself that had it. I don't rly want to think of myself as doing anything like but even if i didn't abuse it for awhile eventualy it would just consume my thoughts and actions and bad stuffs.
Ug one of the DD's on DA is pervish. Humans are so selfish.Sex, masturbation, antyhing of that sorts just cause it's easy "Happyness" and shows "Love". This is sorta going a little off of what Mouse said in her most recent entry. Sry if it seems like I'm always cpoying you with stuff but well when I read thigns it starts gears cranking alot, 'specially with many of my friends. I think I'm done with this topic for now though till the full part of it resurfaces from the maelstrom of my thoughts, memories and emotions.
I hate how I can't rly express my thoughts and emotions properly enough. I can't express them to the depths of what they are. This probably doesn't make much sense but well none of it rly makes much sense to me either.
Finally the water heater shut off, much less noise besides my music playing now. I have my entire library on shuffle right now and am listening to just anything that comes up. If I'm not mistaken one of the battle themes from Metroid Prime 2 is playing atm.
At some point I may actually try to write my college essay up here cause well I just can't do it in a formal way and so if I use the question as the basis for a blog post I may be able to use that as a guide for the essay itself or use the post with minor edits. Any help from you invisible non-commenting readers would be very much appreciated even if it doesn't help me directly.
Oh I may have a possible name for this blog but I'm gonna dwell on it more. The one I may be favoring more is the one Mouse suggested, but I think I may tweak it a little but iono depends on what my brain decides.
Damn hormones making me want to hit something or watever it is thats making me want to hit something.
Well tis almost 9:30, work accomplished @ home today = null for schoolwork, frustration levels for today = +a lot, depression/stress levels could be increasing to a critical point at a point in the near future.
Good night and sleep well to all of those that shall be sleeping and goo wakings to those who aren't.
Thx for reading you people who aren't there.
And pls comment, I'm not sure y I'm saying this but well ya.
Go forth and Moogify.
Moog Master Numbah one is off
*poof*
Sunday, May 17, 2009
"Grim, I want you to cut it out."
Well I got back from me hike about 3 hours ago I think it was. Wasn't to bad, sorta. Twelve miles saturday, 7 or 8 today. Kept a small journal and will type it up + upload it later.
I has been zoning out quite a bit as of earlier today, also knees area bother and I'm not feeling to great right now but o well.
I really wanna start drawing more again. Gotta start getting more practice with drawing things from my head, and shading. I just can't seem to shade, and when I try to draw things from my head they either morph or I just can't do it. It's annoying cause it seems like i've been disheartened bout it by something that I can't figure out. Maybe I should get halp from a friend, but it's hard for me to ask cause I'm pretty sure I won't understand or it will frustrate them trying to teach me something that I probably just won't get.
*sigh*
I am really tired but I can't let myself sleep till after I got to McDonalds @ seven.
I hope this tiredness doesnt turn to depresion. It canbut I'm gonna try and avoid it somehow. All these thoughts floating around and they are just stuck inside like a bottled fairy, only to be used and then just disapear.
Time for some random thoughts.
As you are young you see much, process little. The older you become the less you see but the more you process what you can still see.
Other thoughts ran away.
Well I think I'm done for now. Lets see if I can get rest of the letters on this aerospostle sweathirt off before seven. Aeropos are left.
Cya non-existant readers.
The Moog Master of the Numbah One is zoning out to much
<3 over and over again on wmp
Moog
*fallsflatonfaceonkeyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddd*
I has been zoning out quite a bit as of earlier today, also knees area bother and I'm not feeling to great right now but o well.
I really wanna start drawing more again. Gotta start getting more practice with drawing things from my head, and shading. I just can't seem to shade, and when I try to draw things from my head they either morph or I just can't do it. It's annoying cause it seems like i've been disheartened bout it by something that I can't figure out. Maybe I should get halp from a friend, but it's hard for me to ask cause I'm pretty sure I won't understand or it will frustrate them trying to teach me something that I probably just won't get.
*sigh*
I am really tired but I can't let myself sleep till after I got to McDonalds @ seven.
I hope this tiredness doesnt turn to depresion. It canbut I'm gonna try and avoid it somehow. All these thoughts floating around and they are just stuck inside like a bottled fairy, only to be used and then just disapear.
Time for some random thoughts.
As you are young you see much, process little. The older you become the less you see but the more you process what you can still see.
Other thoughts ran away.
Well I think I'm done for now. Lets see if I can get rest of the letters on this aerospostle sweathirt off before seven. Aeropos are left.
Cya non-existant readers.
The Moog Master of the Numbah One is zoning out to much
<3 over and over again on wmp
Moog
*fallsflatonfaceonkeyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddd*
Friday, May 15, 2009
You've Been Mooged
So this will probably be the first post of my personal blog. I shall continue posting to the other blog, but this one will be for other stuff. Like my journal and, if I get anywhere with it in the future, my game stuff.
So as of right now I’m in Commercial Arts typing this up in word, bleck, instead of doing the project we are supposed to be working on. I was actually able to get work done last block but the fire drill screwed me up and I couldn’t get anything else done after. At the moment I think I may have burned the working capabilities out for now, but I feel like doing this so I am. I hate this keyboard, it just doesn’t feel right.
This weekend I’m heading on a backpacking trip in the White Mountains if I remember correctly. We are doing more than 15 miles total I think, can’t remember exactly.
Ug, my mind is in a state in which I want to discuss things with friends, only problem for this is that I can’t really have a discussion with friends when there isn’t much time to do this and that it seems like many of them don’t really want to, no offense to any of them if they are reading this. I enjoy good discussion even if they get off-topic. They exercise my mind in a way that is enjoyable and they help me learn more about others and myself. I just wish more people would be open to them, and that I had more time to have them.
This keyboard keeps missing keys, it’s getting annoying having to go back and fix it.
Starting at about the new year my mind decided to kick into overdrive or something like that, and I had lots inspiration and that’s about when I learned I could draw at least somewhat decently. It’s odd, I have never really been able to draw, really at all. I enjoyed it but I just couldn’t do very much, so I basically stopped somewhere in middle school with the exclusion of rand doodles n’ stuff. I really wish I could draw from my head more though. I suck at details and anything I try drawing from my head either doesn’t come out well cause I can’t do shading, or it changes as I’m drawing it and it just doesn’t come back. At some point I may be able to do these thins but most of my inspiration has disappeared once again so it may be a bit until I really do anything. I’ll do a few things here and there but not as much as I did in the short period of time. I’m sort of envious of a bunch of my friends who can draw really well.
Let’s see what shall I write about to burn up more then an hour. Ah yes I know.
I have something called ADHD. I really can’t remember what the letters stand for at the moment, but it is basically a thinking disorder or something like that. ADHD is a variant of ADD, just with a hyperactive part. I think I was diagnosed with it at the end of elementary school, and I started to take meds for it soon after. Ritalin. After that I started to learn much better and I could actually get stuff done easier. For me it seems like whenever I forget meds it’s like my will to do many things goes poof, neat surrounding things in word with * makes them bold to ^.^, and I can’t concentrate much on anything anymore. At some point in late middle school, I think, the Ritalin seemed to be wearing off at points, probably cause of growth + hormones n’ stuff, and so they switched me over to something stronger + time released pill. Concerta. I’ve been taking that ever since with the occasional time I forget to, which sucks for me. I really don’t want to have to depend on this stuff for the rest of my life just to think. It’s expensive + it’s a drug. I don’t want to be dependent on a drug, or really much of anything for that mater. This is also a reason why I avoid most things with caffeine, and the reason, other than I hate the taste, of why I don’t drink coffee. Sometimes I wonder if starting to take meds for it was the right thing to do. It may have destroyed any chance I have of getting a way to think well without them and do stuff. I don’t know. I’ve read part of book bought it and stuff, but have not finished. I think I may have forgotten much of what it had to say to, I was reading to get my mind off other things (was sorta depressed so my dad gave me the book to get my mind off whatever it was since what it was I couldn’t tell him or rly anyone else, cept maybe a few of my friends, to shy call though). Although if I had the chance to have my ADHD magically disappear, I would choose not to. It is a part of me, and I don’t like having parts of me disappearing without me doing it myself. That may have not made much sense but o well. If anyone has any suggestion, please don’t just go google it and give me a link, I’m open to um, maybe.
I have so many things going in my mind, some others know about, many that people don’t know about, and some I don’t know what they are but I just know they are there. There are many things I want to discuss/ask for advice about/tell others, but there are so many of them I just can’t. The reasons; meekness, uncomfortable sharing certain things, fear of reactions to certain ones, some I just have to solve on my own, and other reasons I either can’t explain or there are none. Random thought, I wish I could type papers for school as easily as I have been able to do this stuff and that I could use first person on them.
Here is something that really is annoying me, why are people so affixed with sex. It seems to be what most adults thinks about/discuss quite a bit. It gets really annoying when at work my coworkers talk about sex and everything around it. Why is that much of humanity revolved around it. Movies, games, pictures all needless things but seem to be really popular because of the fact that humans can’t seem to not stay away from just cause it make them “feel good”. Bleck.
I may have just answered my own question on at least one level, but not on all.
I really wish I could help people figure stuff out more or get things in their head, but it seems like whenever I try with most things I just make it worse, or so it seems. I’m horrible at explain how to do many things. It may be because of my thought process and how different it is than everyone else’s. I would like to see how someone thinks from their point of view exactly, like being inside their mind, just so I could have another thing to base things on and it may also help me understand myself more. That may sound a little creepy, and it may just be that, but it is just something that I would find at least somewhat useful. Trying to find out my own mind has been a perpetual battle with the many parts of me that doesn’t ever seem to stop. I think I have one thing solved, and I may have that one thing solved, but many other things pop up. And with many things that I would <3> for any1 who wants it and for any1 who doesn't as well.
Numbah one is signing off
Moog
*poof*
So as of right now I’m in Commercial Arts typing this up in word, bleck, instead of doing the project we are supposed to be working on. I was actually able to get work done last block but the fire drill screwed me up and I couldn’t get anything else done after. At the moment I think I may have burned the working capabilities out for now, but I feel like doing this so I am. I hate this keyboard, it just doesn’t feel right.
This weekend I’m heading on a backpacking trip in the White Mountains if I remember correctly. We are doing more than 15 miles total I think, can’t remember exactly.
Ug, my mind is in a state in which I want to discuss things with friends, only problem for this is that I can’t really have a discussion with friends when there isn’t much time to do this and that it seems like many of them don’t really want to, no offense to any of them if they are reading this. I enjoy good discussion even if they get off-topic. They exercise my mind in a way that is enjoyable and they help me learn more about others and myself. I just wish more people would be open to them, and that I had more time to have them.
This keyboard keeps missing keys, it’s getting annoying having to go back and fix it.
Starting at about the new year my mind decided to kick into overdrive or something like that, and I had lots inspiration and that’s about when I learned I could draw at least somewhat decently. It’s odd, I have never really been able to draw, really at all. I enjoyed it but I just couldn’t do very much, so I basically stopped somewhere in middle school with the exclusion of rand doodles n’ stuff. I really wish I could draw from my head more though. I suck at details and anything I try drawing from my head either doesn’t come out well cause I can’t do shading, or it changes as I’m drawing it and it just doesn’t come back. At some point I may be able to do these thins but most of my inspiration has disappeared once again so it may be a bit until I really do anything. I’ll do a few things here and there but not as much as I did in the short period of time. I’m sort of envious of a bunch of my friends who can draw really well.
Let’s see what shall I write about to burn up more then an hour. Ah yes I know.
I have something called ADHD. I really can’t remember what the letters stand for at the moment, but it is basically a thinking disorder or something like that. ADHD is a variant of ADD, just with a hyperactive part. I think I was diagnosed with it at the end of elementary school, and I started to take meds for it soon after. Ritalin. After that I started to learn much better and I could actually get stuff done easier. For me it seems like whenever I forget meds it’s like my will to do many things goes poof, neat surrounding things in word with * makes them bold to ^.^, and I can’t concentrate much on anything anymore. At some point in late middle school, I think, the Ritalin seemed to be wearing off at points, probably cause of growth + hormones n’ stuff, and so they switched me over to something stronger + time released pill. Concerta. I’ve been taking that ever since with the occasional time I forget to, which sucks for me. I really don’t want to have to depend on this stuff for the rest of my life just to think. It’s expensive + it’s a drug. I don’t want to be dependent on a drug, or really much of anything for that mater. This is also a reason why I avoid most things with caffeine, and the reason, other than I hate the taste, of why I don’t drink coffee. Sometimes I wonder if starting to take meds for it was the right thing to do. It may have destroyed any chance I have of getting a way to think well without them and do stuff. I don’t know. I’ve read part of book bought it and stuff, but have not finished. I think I may have forgotten much of what it had to say to, I was reading to get my mind off other things (was sorta depressed so my dad gave me the book to get my mind off whatever it was since what it was I couldn’t tell him or rly anyone else, cept maybe a few of my friends, to shy call though). Although if I had the chance to have my ADHD magically disappear, I would choose not to. It is a part of me, and I don’t like having parts of me disappearing without me doing it myself. That may have not made much sense but o well. If anyone has any suggestion, please don’t just go google it and give me a link, I’m open to um, maybe.
I have so many things going in my mind, some others know about, many that people don’t know about, and some I don’t know what they are but I just know they are there. There are many things I want to discuss/ask for advice about/tell others, but there are so many of them I just can’t. The reasons; meekness, uncomfortable sharing certain things, fear of reactions to certain ones, some I just have to solve on my own, and other reasons I either can’t explain or there are none. Random thought, I wish I could type papers for school as easily as I have been able to do this stuff and that I could use first person on them.
Here is something that really is annoying me, why are people so affixed with sex. It seems to be what most adults thinks about/discuss quite a bit. It gets really annoying when at work my coworkers talk about sex and everything around it. Why is that much of humanity revolved around it. Movies, games, pictures all needless things but seem to be really popular because of the fact that humans can’t seem to not stay away from just cause it make them “feel good”. Bleck.
I may have just answered my own question on at least one level, but not on all.
I really wish I could help people figure stuff out more or get things in their head, but it seems like whenever I try with most things I just make it worse, or so it seems. I’m horrible at explain how to do many things. It may be because of my thought process and how different it is than everyone else’s. I would like to see how someone thinks from their point of view exactly, like being inside their mind, just so I could have another thing to base things on and it may also help me understand myself more. That may sound a little creepy, and it may just be that, but it is just something that I would find at least somewhat useful. Trying to find out my own mind has been a perpetual battle with the many parts of me that doesn’t ever seem to stop. I think I have one thing solved, and I may have that one thing solved, but many other things pop up. And with many things that I would <3> for any1 who wants it and for any1 who doesn't as well.
Numbah one is signing off
Moog
*poof*
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