I don't know

Not really sure where I'm going to go with this but well I feel like I have got to get things off my mind, and this is where I sort of feel like I can.

For much of my life I've been told I'm a happy person, and well I think I sort of am. But the thing is though for some time now I really only appear so, but am not really that much inside. Today was the first time someone actually seemed to notice this (if others have noticed before they haven't said anything). Not really sure what to say after this, probably will just end up as another rambling post that accomplishes nothing except for making myself feel a little bit better, but all this is really surface stuff. My mind (maybe others to but I do not know since I'm not in other's heads) seems to be easily attachable to ideas, easily stuck on things, and has a problem with letting go. My mind is me I guess, seems like I have more than one mind, one voice. I would wish it would be quite except wishing is not good and I do not truly understand what actual quietness is. Life does not have much of a meaning to me, so since part of me wants to survive I find things to attach to. Friends, thoughts, ideas, games, doing things; all things that tend to attach to. I feel lost a lot and attach my mind to something and keep it, typically destroying whatever it is in the long run. I push people away because of hate and fear. I cower, hide, run, unintentionally and sometimes intentionally mentally/emotionally hurt others. I don't like to hurt others. I don't really know why. And well my train of thought on this part has well sort of ended. This post solves nothing, none of them have, none of them will. This probably isn't even what is really going on in my head.
Many people seem to live for 2 things besides fear/ignorance, sex and raising children. sex I have no interest in at all. Raising a kid maybe but doubtful. I would not want to do that alone and who would want to put up with me anyway (also I doubt i would do well as a parent). I have more thoughts on this but I really don't care much about them.

I really don't know why I wrote this post, as I stated it does not really have a purpose. More than likely I'm just running away from my thoughts by putting them into words. It doesn't really solve anything but as a creature of habit I will just keep being a coward till I break the habit or something else breaks it, but I don't want that and am pretty sure that's not even possible for someone else to break someone else's habit.

Anyway time to go eat some grilled cheese and go to my venture crew meeting.
Moog